Beauty Isn't Pretty
Ah, vanity! Women have endured a lot of stupid things over the centuries, all in the name of beauty. Corsets, high heels, pantyhose, girdles, Richard Simmons. As a forty-something woman and feminist, I’ve given up on a lot of that, more out of exhaustion than philosophy or politics. But whether it’s society’s programming (i.e. my mother’s voice in my head) or simply something deep in those XX chromosomes, I continue to participate in one of the most painful and stupid rituals ever inflicted on the female of the species: the removal of unwanted facial hair.
It’s gotten worse as I have aged. When I was a teenager, a few painful moments with the tweezers were enough to save me from the “unibrow” look. As I entered my forties, suddenly there were whole armies of tiny but stunningly black hairs sprouting from the darnedest places. More than a week of inattention now and I begin to resemble Sasquatch in drag.
Given my carpal tunnel, developing arthritis and failing eyesight, tweezing has become rather like playing the old Operation game of childhood. No cartoon of a fat naked guy, true, and no buzzer, but a great deal of clumsy grappling at exasperatingly evasive objects. I began searching for another method, hopefully one that did not involve poking around my eye with pointy metal objects.
What I came up with was waxing, an ancient technique first used by the Romans to torture those criminals for whom crucifixion was deemed too “kind.” The modern waxing technique was later perfected by the Marquis de Sade. (All the best and most painful beauty secrets come from the French, for reasons I don’t care to examine too closely, but I suspect has something to do with their profound contempt for anyone not French.)
I found a product called “SurgiWax.” I liked the description which said it required none of those pesky “muslin strips.” I don’t know exactly what muslin strips are or what part they play in other waxing techniques; I only know that several of the products touted not needing them as a good thing. You could heat this particular product in your microwave, which we all know is fast and quite modern so it must be convenient. And Surgiwax is quite effective, I admit. Here’s how it works, step by step:
1) Loosen the lid and microwave the small plastic jar according to the directions.
2) Test the temperature of the wax cautiously with your fingertip.
3) Think: "Hmm, seems about right."
4) Lift the small wooden paddle loaded with wax toward your left eyebrow, drizzling droplets of gooey wax onto the bathroom carpet, tile and even the mirror. At this point, a single droplet will land inevitably in your eyelashes, in effect waxing your left eye completely shut.
I have learned from experience that this lump of wax cannot be dislodged without leaving a 1/4" gap in the fringe of your already meager lashes, causing you to look like a drunken drag queen that has lost a section of her falsies. Pry lashes apart and attempt to scrape wax off with fingernails. If you accomplish this with a loss of ten lashes or less, consider yourself blessed.
5) Take another paddle of wax and this time make it all the way to the unwanted forests of your left eyebrow.
6) Emit a sound often mistaken for an enraged mongoose that's been stepped on by a hippo. Why? Because no matter how long or short a time you heat the wax, no matter how carefully you have tested the temperature, the wax is always – ALWAYS -- still too #@I& HOT!
7) Stomp a foot and mutter, "Why the hell do I do this to myself?" as you feel the flesh beneath the wax begin to blister.
8) Repeat steps 4 and 5 on right brow.
9) Attempt to repeat steps 4 and 5 on upper lip, only to find the wax is now too cold, and refuses to adhere to upper lip.
10) Trudge back to the microwave.
11) Repeat steps 1-7.
12) Allow wax to cool completely. You can amuse yourself during this time by making faces in the mirror just to watch the planks of hardening wax wiggle up and down.
13) Carefully peel up the corner of the first section of wax, getting wax under your fingernails that will later have to be carved out with a nail file.
14) Once you have a solid grip, give one enormous yank, pulling in the opposite direction of the hair growth.
15) See stars as blinding pain immediately causes eyes to fill with tears.
16) Grip the edge of sink (to keep from falling to your knees) and stop screaming.
17) If necessary, stand there for several moments, blinking and squinting, stomping foot, using language that has been banned in 34 countries.
18) As the profanity dies down to a sustained hiss, remove fingers from countertop. (A little sandpaper will remove the crescent-shaped imprints.)
19) Realize that there is snot dripping down your face, because the tears have, of course, set your sinuses running like the Mighty Mississippi. Blow your nose.
20) DO NOT -- I repeat -- DO NOT LOOK in the mirror at this point because what you will see is not pretty: a sobbing, snot-nosed face with thick yellow crusts of wax on one eyebrow and upper lip, and a scarlet crescent of angry red flesh above one still-squinting eye.
21) Repeat step 13 on next eyebrow. Only this time, in vain hopes of making it hurt less, pull S-L-O-W-L-Y.
22) Halfway across, unable to see for tears, give up this strategy as stupid and simply yank the rest in one motion.
23) Repeat steps 15 - 20.
24) Consider just letting the wax on your upper lip wear off naturally over the next 24-48 hours.
25) Decide this course is not viable, as you cannot bear to go to dinner, even at Waffle House, with a wax mustache.
26) Repeat steps 13-20 on one side of your upper lip.
27) Allow yourself one expletive of choice before doing the other side.
28) When your vision clears, examine eyebrows to make sure they are balanced. Find that you have actually removed your ENTIRE right eyebrow.
29) Consider whether you will look funnier with only one eyebrow drawn with the eyebrow pencil or if you should just remove the other eyebrow and draw on both.
30) Decide to hell with it and go eat the rest of your carefully hoarded Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey while you sulk. You’ve earned it.
It’s gotten worse as I have aged. When I was a teenager, a few painful moments with the tweezers were enough to save me from the “unibrow” look. As I entered my forties, suddenly there were whole armies of tiny but stunningly black hairs sprouting from the darnedest places. More than a week of inattention now and I begin to resemble Sasquatch in drag.
Given my carpal tunnel, developing arthritis and failing eyesight, tweezing has become rather like playing the old Operation game of childhood. No cartoon of a fat naked guy, true, and no buzzer, but a great deal of clumsy grappling at exasperatingly evasive objects. I began searching for another method, hopefully one that did not involve poking around my eye with pointy metal objects.
What I came up with was waxing, an ancient technique first used by the Romans to torture those criminals for whom crucifixion was deemed too “kind.” The modern waxing technique was later perfected by the Marquis de Sade. (All the best and most painful beauty secrets come from the French, for reasons I don’t care to examine too closely, but I suspect has something to do with their profound contempt for anyone not French.)
I found a product called “SurgiWax.” I liked the description which said it required none of those pesky “muslin strips.” I don’t know exactly what muslin strips are or what part they play in other waxing techniques; I only know that several of the products touted not needing them as a good thing. You could heat this particular product in your microwave, which we all know is fast and quite modern so it must be convenient. And Surgiwax is quite effective, I admit. Here’s how it works, step by step:
1) Loosen the lid and microwave the small plastic jar according to the directions.
2) Test the temperature of the wax cautiously with your fingertip.
3) Think: "Hmm, seems about right."
4) Lift the small wooden paddle loaded with wax toward your left eyebrow, drizzling droplets of gooey wax onto the bathroom carpet, tile and even the mirror. At this point, a single droplet will land inevitably in your eyelashes, in effect waxing your left eye completely shut.
I have learned from experience that this lump of wax cannot be dislodged without leaving a 1/4" gap in the fringe of your already meager lashes, causing you to look like a drunken drag queen that has lost a section of her falsies. Pry lashes apart and attempt to scrape wax off with fingernails. If you accomplish this with a loss of ten lashes or less, consider yourself blessed.
5) Take another paddle of wax and this time make it all the way to the unwanted forests of your left eyebrow.
6) Emit a sound often mistaken for an enraged mongoose that's been stepped on by a hippo. Why? Because no matter how long or short a time you heat the wax, no matter how carefully you have tested the temperature, the wax is always – ALWAYS -- still too #@I& HOT!
7) Stomp a foot and mutter, "Why the hell do I do this to myself?" as you feel the flesh beneath the wax begin to blister.
8) Repeat steps 4 and 5 on right brow.
9) Attempt to repeat steps 4 and 5 on upper lip, only to find the wax is now too cold, and refuses to adhere to upper lip.
10) Trudge back to the microwave.
11) Repeat steps 1-7.
12) Allow wax to cool completely. You can amuse yourself during this time by making faces in the mirror just to watch the planks of hardening wax wiggle up and down.
13) Carefully peel up the corner of the first section of wax, getting wax under your fingernails that will later have to be carved out with a nail file.
14) Once you have a solid grip, give one enormous yank, pulling in the opposite direction of the hair growth.
15) See stars as blinding pain immediately causes eyes to fill with tears.
16) Grip the edge of sink (to keep from falling to your knees) and stop screaming.
17) If necessary, stand there for several moments, blinking and squinting, stomping foot, using language that has been banned in 34 countries.
18) As the profanity dies down to a sustained hiss, remove fingers from countertop. (A little sandpaper will remove the crescent-shaped imprints.)
19) Realize that there is snot dripping down your face, because the tears have, of course, set your sinuses running like the Mighty Mississippi. Blow your nose.
20) DO NOT -- I repeat -- DO NOT LOOK in the mirror at this point because what you will see is not pretty: a sobbing, snot-nosed face with thick yellow crusts of wax on one eyebrow and upper lip, and a scarlet crescent of angry red flesh above one still-squinting eye.
21) Repeat step 13 on next eyebrow. Only this time, in vain hopes of making it hurt less, pull S-L-O-W-L-Y.
22) Halfway across, unable to see for tears, give up this strategy as stupid and simply yank the rest in one motion.
23) Repeat steps 15 - 20.
24) Consider just letting the wax on your upper lip wear off naturally over the next 24-48 hours.
25) Decide this course is not viable, as you cannot bear to go to dinner, even at Waffle House, with a wax mustache.
26) Repeat steps 13-20 on one side of your upper lip.
27) Allow yourself one expletive of choice before doing the other side.
28) When your vision clears, examine eyebrows to make sure they are balanced. Find that you have actually removed your ENTIRE right eyebrow.
29) Consider whether you will look funnier with only one eyebrow drawn with the eyebrow pencil or if you should just remove the other eyebrow and draw on both.
30) Decide to hell with it and go eat the rest of your carefully hoarded Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey while you sulk. You’ve earned it.
